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Hello.

I kind of forgot about this website due to school and I've also just felt intimidated by the need to figure out the whole thing with html and styling and I don't want to spend too much time on this. So you know what? I won't spend too much time. It's supposed to be my little bitty island in the vast ocean of internet and I'll keep it as simple as I want so I don't burn out and forget about it completely. Maybe with time I'll add bits IF I want to. If I don't want to it's totally okay, I'll keep it as it is.

I've been struggling with suicidal ideation for a year now for almost every day, so I think it won't go "away" by itself and it's quite serious. Finally took time to look for therapist and found one that I think will be a good fit and is affordable for me. Sadly I have to cut it only 1 time a month, but it's much better than 0 times a month. And honestly I am really excided. I want to look into my brain in detail and get why I act in a certain way. I don't hope to "heal" my suicidal ideation. I don't think it's wrong in itself, everyone should be given the liberty to think what's better for them themselves. What drove me to get help is the fact that I can't kill myself even though I really want to because it will make people sad. So I have to be sad instead of them. And sometimes days get so bad that I feel like it's literal torture that I can't escape. That is wrong. That made me seek therapy. Because there would be only one outcome if I didn't get help. The days would get so bad that I would not be able to tolerate it and kill myself and make people sad. I don't want people to get sad. I don't want to cause them trauma and hurt. But I also don't want to suffer that much everyday simply by just living.

You could say "You can't have a cake and eat it". But I'll try. Even if in the end it doesn't work out and people will get sad, at least I tried my best and fought for them really hard.